Losing

I'm losing, I've lost, I'm lost and I've never lost someone I love before.
I've come close to losing other important people in my life, so when such thing happened for the first time, I will admit I didn't and still don't know how to deal with it. Of course, in trying to deal with this, I have gone back to the refuge that has always kept me going in similar situations since I can remember: words.
I enjoy reading; I enjoy writing, I enjoy giving words a deeper meaning.
I have had many omens occur to me lately, for instance, I just finished playing the game named Life is Strange which catered to my desire of denying or avoiding that which should happen. I also received advice from someone I don't know and have been reading certain things that correlate exactly to how I feel. Sure, I could be interpreting this as I wish, but then again, the coincidence of these events occurring, I believe, are meant to be.

I have come to the point where the theories I have formulated to understand what is currently happening in my life have all become intermixed. I'm not sure what to believe and to be honest; I have this anxiety that drives me crazy. I hate it. However, I have recently found that my anxiety arises when I try to deny the sadness I feel. The harder I try, the stronger my anxiety feels.
Looking at the advice given by one of the members of my favorite band of all time, Keane, I realize that I have been avoiding my feelings. I have been trying to forget about them by piling my day with things to do. I was ignoring my friend called sadness for some weeks, but now during winter break, everything has come crashing down on me. All the emotions, thoughts, and WHAT IFs have come rushing into my mind after being ignored for three weeks.
Losing someone you love, both physically and figuratively, is not easy. It's probably the last thing you think about when you are happy, but as I have learned from many readings, personal experiences, and even a stupid (great) game, that you can't change what has already been written. However, you can change the way you react, which would naturally lead to the writing of a different and hopefully more optimistic outcome.
To me, the hardest part is the thought of being forgotten, but then again the faulty nature of being human opens up an abyss of things we toss out of our minds. Similar to the pit seen in the movie Inside Out. I don't want to be forgotten, and I don't want those who I love to toss me or see me in a negative light. Sadly, I think I might be.

I won't say that everything I experience is good or right because it is obviously causing me great pain, but I will say I am going to trust life as it is given to me. I will sit down and smile and keep loving everyone and everything set in front of me. The worst thing to resort to is silence and after having my eyes opened to see contradictions as something we can all cope with is reassuring. Getting to this point of acceptance, however, takes time.
I've never lost someone I love before. I say love, because I still and will always love them. But the contradiction (which I must learn to accept) is that people will leave and forget and move on. And I am trying to be okay with this. I need to.
I'm struggling, trust me. But I know I can do this. I have been given a special power. You see, suffering and understanding it has been leading me to a place of healing. No, I'm not there yet, I just took the first step (a baby step I should say) to understanding. And because of this power, I will use all my strength to send blessings and be a blessing. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, so many blessings surround me. So many miracles. Now, I just need to live in them, be hopeful, and trust that my actions will bring joy to those that surround me, including myself.
Until Next Time,
Ria